Of course, to get home required catching the red-eye from Perth to Brisbane, and from here the Brisbane through Auckland.
Why fly through Brisbane en-route from Perth to Auckland? It gets just a few more frequent flyer miles than going via Melbourne or Sydney, and I'd have ended up in Auckland within a few minutes of each other regardless of the option. If only Qantas offered a direct flight - that would be nice.
When it comes to flying, you can always very easily tell the frequent flyers from the others... for example:
Baggage: Qantas offers a kg of leeway, so measure the weight of your bag to be exactly 24kg (a Ballaza or fish scale is a good way to measure your weight). From there, you can have one carry on bag international, or two domestic. They are supposed to be less than 7kg. Realistically, you can of course take as much as you like, just make sure you sling your bag over one shoulder when you check in. If you carry bag is overly big, or has wheels, it will be weighed, and you will get caught.
Check-in Ideally, you don't need to talk to anyone when you check-in, as most airlines, for domestic at least, offer self check-in. Be aware though, the answer to all but one of the questions is yes. The last question is "do you have a bomb or explosive device". Don't click yes to that. There is no "are you sure you have a bomb" question. Check in should be left to the last possible moment allowable (generally 45 minutes domestic, 90 international), if you check in too early, your luggage will be first on the plane, that is, it will be the last off.
Seats: A key question when you check in is where you'll sit. You'll generally want either an Aisle or a Window seat. Get an aisle seat if you're likely to need the lavatory at all during the flight. Particularly if the flight is short-haul. If you make the passengers next to you get up so you can use the bathroom on a one our domestic flight, they will be pissed off! The secondary part to seat selection is where in the plane you'd like to sit. Ideally, you want to sit as far forwards as possible - in front of the wing. There is a reason they put business class up the front, and there are always a few economy seats up there too. Forwards of the wing means less engine noise, and you get off the plane much faster when you land. You can ask the check-in agent, you might choose to ask for a seat next to an empty, they can usually oblige. This is very worthwhile in long haul, as now you can spread out a little.
Airport Security: These guys are not your friends. Also, nor are the other passengers queueing up - we don't care about your antique butter knife that you will not hop on the plane without - ultimately, the choice is between the plane and the knife. When you arrive at the x-rays machines, pull out your laptop and dump it in a tray, and repeat with other large electronics (I usually have a projector too). Where shoes to the airport that don't have metal in them - they care about shoes. Ironically, you don't generally need to worry about watches and jewellery, for some reason these don't seem to set off the x-ray. When you walk through the xray machine, don't crowd over the person at the computer x-ray-ing your stuff, that's suspicious.
Explosives sniff: On the far side of the xray, you want to grab your trays, and move to the far end of the rollers, and repack your bag. Make sure you can quickly and easily repack your bag. If you where overzealous with how much stuff can be crammed in your bag, the best bet is to carry a spare canvas supermarket carry bag, and quickly dump your stuff in that and pack it in comfort later. The reason being, if you hang around too long, your chance of being "randomly" selected for further investigations increases dramatically. So to, does it when you smile at the guard who stands here with his wand. For heaven's sake, don't smile at him, and definately don't talk to him.
If he asks, you'll need to open your bag and he'll test it for explosive residues. Of course your bag won't have any - or will it. God knows what will be on the outside of your bag after you've dragged it through taxis and had it sitting on airport floors (the taxi driver may well have traces of the fertiliser he bought for his garden in the bottom of his boot). If something is found, chances are you won't be able to explain it, so you're best to avoid this check but not raising suspicion. It also helps to be normally dressed here - if your dress style doesn't make sense (eg a young person wearing very expensive clothes, or a scruffy business man), you are more likely to wind up searched.
Once you're airside, figure out which gate you're going to, and relax. If you want to use a laptop while you wait, scan the outside walls, there tend to be a few powerpoints around for cleaners to use when they vacuum. Come boarding time, they'll need your boarding pass, and passport for international, so have these out and ready. Boarding usually begins with those that will take ages (children, elderly), and Gold or better frequent flyers. From there, they usually call out in groups of rows. Most people choose to ignore the groups of rows, so if you're in row 6, when they call out for rows 25-29, just hop in the queue about 80% of the way along. You'll be amazed how many people do this. However, don't do this if you've got an aisle seat - those people next to you will not be impressed.
When you board, you can usually grab a headset and a newspaper. The newspaper can prove to be a liability, particularly if it's a broadsheet. You'll just serve to annoy your neighbours with it. As for the headsets, the ones provided are rubbish. But, you'll want one if you didn't bring your own. What you really want is your own however, preferably noise-cancelling. Don't forget thought that most airlines don't use standard 3.5mm plugs, rather dual 3.5mm plugs. So buy an adapter, in advance, or you'll pay through the nose for it at the terminal.
When you're aboard, settle in, hide the light on the noise cancelling headphones, and enjoy the inflight entertainment until you can turn on your own devices. If you own a kindle or such, best bet to keep it hidden until the seatbelts sign gets turned off (listen for the Bing sound) - they're still paranoid about these devices, and you cannot turn the screen on a kindle "off" the way an air hostess expects you to.
Sooner or later, the inflight meal service will come through. Generally, you'll have the choice of two types of gruel - both will be bad. As you chose to sit towards the front of the plane though, you can at least get the better of the two options. When you get your meal, you also get a drink. They offer bear and wine, but generally can give you anything under the sun. If you can't see it on the cart, ask for it anyway... they'll often have it out the back. In the meantime, think about the strategy with your meal. The butter for your bread roll will have the texture of cheese, so sit it on top of the foil of your hot food for a minute - that way it partially melts and becomes spreadable. Before I start eating, I always open all the packets. In particular Qantas gives you a small pack of Bega Chedder with crackers - the pack is impossible to open with greasy fingers - a great source of amusement when you watch other passengers struggle. Eat, and enjoy. On long haul services, you'll often get an extra drink or ice-cream later in the flight. Many people don't choose to have this (they don't want to get fat), so once you've finished your ice cream, ask the next crew member for another one... a great way to stock up on food after you didn't eat all the gristle in your hot food.
When your plane lands, you want to get up into the aisle as soon as possible. Most people take off their seatbelts as soon as the plane touches down - you can do this, just don't stand up or you will get told off. When you're at the gate, get up, and pull your bag out of the locker and get off the plane. Walk through the airport rapidly to get to passport control or the baggage carousel to avoid queues. In particularly, you will often end up with an extra half hour wait at the taxi rank if you are the last in your plane to get a taxi.
Duty free exists only for non frequent flyers - you don't tend to get good deals, but it keeps those people from hitting the queues at customs all at once. In my opinion, don't bother.
If you are in New Zealand or Australia, you can generally use the Smart Gates, which are much quicker. Keep an eye out for them. If you are flying to Aus, Auckland airport has an Australian smartgate machine in it's terminal, not far from the stairs down to gate 20.
Once you're inside the country, collect your luggage. When you bought luggage, I hope you didn't buy anything gray or black. 90% of luggage looks like this. Go for a bright colour, and add something distinctive. In my case, a fluoro green hardshell case with a blue hello kitty tag - I doubt many other people have that combination.
As for biosecurity, avoid bringing anything they'll care about. Also, don't use luggage that you've had anything interesting to dogs in before. (For about three months the beagles could still smell my bacon sandwiches I'd once stored in my pack). I usually go for the something to declare line, and immediately tell the staffer that I only have lollies - they'll immediately tell you to depart the queue, and you'll be out quicker than if you had nothing to declare, as those people get randomly x-rayed in case they're lying.
Finally, you're out. Get your taxi or pickup, and get out of there. I try to avoid shuttles and communal transport as you'll sooner or later have to wait for that person whom customs are having their way with...
This post should give a bit of an insight into how I get in and out of airports. Try to beat my record, an international flight landed at Brisbane, and nine minutes after the plane door was opened, I was in a taxi off too the city. Many would take over an hour to achieve this.
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| Adelaide Airport |
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